Ask Amma

Posts Tagged ‘play’

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Make believe

In Why on 18 February 2011 at 4:02 am

My daughter wants me to call up the magician who performed at her birthday and ask if he can transform her into a fairy. She can’t see why I won’t even ask

– mom of a 6 year old in Chennai.

So why won’t you? As a magician he must have fielded such a question before? Else you could take the question and also transform her into a fairy (or let her transform you.)

Chennai mom responds:
I had of course to deal with the question. We talked a little about fantasy and fiction. She didn’t seem too convinced!

Amma asks:
Convinced of what?

Amma asks Readers – have you had to "break the news" about fantasy and fiction? Tell us how you did it and why.

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What toys do I buy for my baby?

In What on 17 February 2011 at 3:56 pm

What toys do I buy for baby?

– mother of a 4 month old in Mumbai.

When it comes to toys, I do believe that less is more and that one should strive for "nothing" as an ideal. It is, paradoxically, unattainable, as our world is full of things and we feel anxious, insecure, and incomplete with out "things." Anyway, what is "nothing?" We don’t even know really. But we can consider what is the good and harm that can come from toys.

Good – they are fun. Some toys endure for years, generations even. Which ones? This will vary from family to family, since what makes the toy fun tends to be less about the toy itself and more about the play that has been rubbed into it over the years. Low-feature toys that don’t have a set script as to what does with them are amenable to varieties of stories, structures, actions and imaginative play. Even a piece of cloth or powder dabba can become a treasured plaything.

Harm – It can happen that toys are are used as substitutes for time, space, interaction with people, and access to other "things" that the baby desires more, e.g. household objects, access to household space. Confining kids to a "play area" with "play things" when they really want to explore the pots and pans or distribute items from the shelf around the floor is not fair to them. (If you don’t want your baby or toddler to touch it, keep it out of reach. As Dr. Sears says, "Don’t Fence Me In.")

Human company can delight a baby again and again, for a long time. Toys, esp those that light up, make sounds, and "do things" will soon be cast aside. And then one gets a new toy, which is again interesting for a little while. Most toys are sold as "educational," but what one learns from this steady stream of toys is their disposability.

Yet what delight a sieve or set of katoris can bring! By the age of 1 my daughter was "helping" around the house – washing, drying, sorting, wiping, arranging, etc. To "help" was easily her strongest craving (while to "be helped" she took as an insult). It may be that what takes me 1 hour alone will take me 2 hours if she helps. But then I have to value that 2 hours not only for the work I set out to complete, but also for the work my child took up, which was just as important to her. Rather than create a separate space, separate attention, and separate activities / supplies for babies and kids, why not include them and allow for them in what you are doing and fit yourself into their time-space-worldview. You just may find that they reciprocate.

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My 2 year old son does not pick up his toys.

In When on 17 October 2010 at 4:13 am

My 2 year old son does not pick up his toys. Should we discipline him by taking away the toys?

I’d like to step back and find out more about these toys. Why are they there? Often we find that children are burdened with too many toys. They might take them out more to see them arrayed on the floor than to play with each one – in fact, for them, that is the play.

While it is fine to limit the toys that are available, I would not communicate to the child that this is a consequence of leaving them on the floor. When there are only a few toys, it matters less who picks them up. And when there is no stress associated with putting toys away, it is easier for children to pick up that practice.

Secondly, at that age, many children hunger for wide open spaces to run, climb trees / jungle gyms, chase frogs, play ball, dig in the sand, stomp in puddles or watch the cars go by. When they can run and climb and throw and use their outside voice to their hearts content, being inside is less frustrating. Toys are often used to “entertain” kids inside because there is no one to accompany them outside – but not all kids will accept this substitute for long.

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Autonomous worlds of imagination

In Why on 17 October 2010 at 4:04 am

Thanks to Sonika for sharing this excellent article, Old-Fashioned Play Builds Serious Skills by Alix Spiegel, National Public Radio, February 21, 2008. I am so glad that I discovered, somewhat ironically, that “less is more” and even “nothing is better than something” from a toy-vendor website.  That toy vendor was up with the progressive, holistic approach to play and had low-feature, high-imagination-stimulating “waldorf dolls” etc and actually wrote ” your child does not need toys.” It was just what I needed to hear.  Relieved from my search for “brain-stimulating” and “creativity-inducing” toys I was free to accept invitations to the imaginative worlds my daughter was engaged in making up already.


Spiegel comments: “But during the second half of the 20th century, Chudacoff argues, play changed radically. Instead of spending their time in autonomous shifting make-believe, children were supplied with ever more specific toys for play and predetermined scripts.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Can Preschoolers Be Depressed?

In Yes / No on 26 August 2010 at 8:03 pm

To share personal stories takes a great deal of courage and one must be prepared for all the comments from parents and nonparents alike.  Here I am sharing the comment I posted on the article that appeared in the New York Times, “Can Preschoolers be Depressed?” As I read the article I could not help but be reminded of Alfie Kohn and his advice – do not be in a rush, do not over-schedule – and his warning against “counting” and other supposed “disciplinary” techniques.  The photos at the top of the article seem to answer the question – yes, if they are all alone in a room full of toys.

Can Preschoolers Be Depressed?

By PAMELA PAUL
Published: August 25, 2010
  1. Comment“He always wanted to please.”
    “rarely disobeyed or acted out.”
    ” If he dawdled or didn’t listen, Raghu (also a nickname) had only to count to five before Kiran hastened to tie his shoes or put the toys away.”    Though you quote these lines approvingly at the opening of the article, I read them, particularly the last one, as clear warning signals.

    The counting technique to produce obedience, which although popular nowadays is yet another way of making a child feel inferior. Sadly, he is praised for his perfect response to it. Reading on about the Legos, Disney World, and the mother who “ferried him from one child-friendly place to the next” made me feel claustrophobic.

    The comments about the trip to his grandparents’ farm and the vacation in Spain as the happiest times in his life suggest the need for more leisure, less scheduling, less expectation and less monitoring.

    I congratulate this family for seeking help and hope their story inspires more families to give children time, space and unconditional love.