Ask Amma

Posts Tagged ‘culture’

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EC Fail?

In How on 5 September 2012 at 10:15 pm
 I may have jinxed my ec fun. [My newborn] peed and pooped several times in the sink after a feed but now since yesterday every time I hold her in the ec position she squirms.  I didn’t have this with [my firstborn]. Do you think I started too early?  Don’t want to put her off.
– mom of a newborn who is not exactly like her first-born

Remember, the “c” in ec stands for communication, not catching.  Some ec parents say that when you stop talking about catches and misses, you start listening and observing.  Baby is not put off by someone who listens and observes.

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Being

In How on 1 September 2012 at 8:00 am
Recently a family member told me that I can’t and probably should not tailor make my life around my child. And that my child should figure out “being” around the life that just happens to us. I think this bit of advice is what really got me thinking about the idea of “being” with my child.
Is it possible that I could just let life happen and let my child figure out how to “be” around it?
 
– Pushpa, mother of a 3 year old in Pune, posted on Swashikshan
  
Life is always happening.  If what you are doing in your life is engaging with (or “tailor making” your life around) your child, that is what your child will “be” around and figure out how to respond to.
 
I find sometimes kids are really curious about the things we do without them or when they aren’t around (or aren’t awake) and we should do some of those things even when they are there.  Of course it helps if we can allow them to “help.”  How often it happens that our work *is* the game that our little ones decide they want to play.  If we could dissolve the boundaries between work and play, then it would not matter who was responding to whom, and who was figuring out life along side whom.  It would be reciprocal.  This is how I interpret the continuum concept.

Thank you Pushpa for letting us excerpt your opening question here on the pages of Ask Amma.  Readers are encouraged to Pushpa’s article in full, “Being with my Child.”

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Downside to whole grains?

In Yes / No on 23 August 2012 at 3:42 am
Seeing how difficult it is to move to whole grains after being used to everything white from rice to bread to semya, nan, pasta, etc, I wanted to make it easier for my children by serving whole grains from the start.  Recently a friend told me that giving brown rice cereal as first food is not as good as giving white rice cereal, because of the phytic acid issue (the brown rice contains more phytic acid than white).  Now I am confused, what should I do? 
– Mother of 4-year and 4-month old in Mysore
 
Several issues are bundled up in this question.  First food, digestion and nutrient absorption, and food preparation.  And brown rice.  Amma is ready 🙂
 
First, first food.  Obviously the “first” in question is not breastmilk, which is normally the first and only food for babies for at least the first six months of life.  Six months is not a fixed target for the entrance into solid foods.  These days when deadlines and schedules seem to hover over everything people often forget that a baby’s readiness for solid foods depends on maturity of the digestive system, and there is no benefit to introducing solids before a baby is ready for them. Read the rest of this entry »

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Crying for no reason

In Why on 11 August 2012 at 8:00 pm

My baby is crying, yelling without any reasons and wants me to play with her all day round.  Can’t do anything!  Help!

– Ma of an 18-month-old in Kolkata
from La Leche League Pan-India: Breastfeeding Resource


Times when my daughter was crying or yelling “without any reason,” I thought back and tried to put myself in her shoes.  More often than not, the reason became apparent.  Maybe she had asked for something in a quiet voice but no one listened.  Maybe the day had been rushed.  I had a checklist I would use when in doubt: “Are you well-rested, well-fed, well-read, and well-hugged?”  It became a kind of calming routine that allowed us to troubleshoot.  Sometimes we used “well-worked”  or “well-played.”  You can substitute anything you enjoy doing together like “well-danced” or “well-bathed” or even “well-turned upside down.”  Even now, sometimes she herself comes and tell me, after observing her own anger or frustration, “I am not well-fed.” or “I am not well-hugged.”   There will also be times when we don’t know the reason – this happens to adults too.  You may not be able to make your child’s tears go away, but you can offer a shoulder.

Maybe, like you, she too is thinking, “Can’t do anything!  Help!”  My first thought when looking at the two pieces of the puzzle – her desire for more play and your need to do other things, is – involve her in the things you do.  At 18 months, my daughter was never happier than when at work.  She could water plants, dig in the garden, wash and dry clothes, rinse, dry and put away dishes, sweep and mop floors, dust tables, pour dal into jars (one of her top jobs), sort fruits and vegetables and wash them if needed (and even if not needed.)  Before cooking I would often give her a vessel with rice or dal and ask her to wash and mix it.  She would do this for a while and then I would cook it.  My memory is hazy with the ages, but “helping” make chapatis was also a favourite chore of hers, and by age 3 her creations were edible.

Letting her help will slow down the pace of your work, but it will meet her (and your!) need for play, which to her is not different from work.  The work is not only “your” work.  It is her work too.  As kids become verbal, these times of shared work become the setting for very interesting conversations as well.  If we think back to earlier times, or visit our rural cousins, we find that children enjoy the company of all ages, throughout the day.  They naturally take part in a range of activities, sometimes in the lead, sometimes in the background.  It can be difficult to provide such diversity of company or of activity in modern urban settings, but we can acknowledge that we are missing something important.  With a bit of creativity and if possible, help from extended family or neighbours, we can try to make up for it.

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Breastfeeding – done yet?

In When on 3 July 2012 at 8:09 pm

My family and friends don’t get why my son needs to nurse so often. I am an older mom and my friends with kids don’t seem to have breastfed much or don’t remember – it was all so long ago. It doesn’t help that I am not getting much else done … I am a type A personality who till last month hardly spent a waking hour at home. No one is asking me to use formula, but they don’t seem to understand why breastfeeding takes so much time! Isn’t he done? they will ask, and I get tense, as if I have to know the answer. I am hoping to continue nursing for years (not just months) and I need positive responses and positive images to keep up my spirits! – new mom in Chicago Read the rest of this entry »

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Is it true that you are still …

In When on 1 July 2012 at 3:29 pm

This article originally appeared in 2006.

Is it true that you are still …
May 2006 / Mumbai

A woman interrupted me last night as I was taking printouts of the petitions we were planning to send to the Prime Minster to stop the Sardar Sarovar project from going up to 121 m. Urging me aside, she told me, “As early as possible you should stop breastfeeding her.”

Nursing my daughter while attending a meeting.

Nursing my daughter while attending a meeting.

She was probably not the only one who noticed when my daughter nursed during the meeting, but she was the only one to state her views so directly.  Unprepared for such a confrontation, I simply said, “I am very busy, and I am not going to stop breastfeeding now.” Seconds later, more crisp responses filled my head … Read the rest of this entry »

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Where Should Baby Sleep?

In Where on 26 May 2012 at 1:30 am

Difference of opinion: Where should baby sleep? I strongly feel its always better to have the baby bed next to the mother rather than putting the baby on a crib. My husband feels that sleeping separately would make baby independent and he also feels that we might accidentally hurt the baby if we all sleep on a queen bed ( we currently have no room for a king bed). How do I convince my husband?

mom-to-be in Maryland

You have told me your opinion and your husband’s opinion regarding where baby should sleep.  There is one more opinion that deserves consideration, and that is the opinion of the one who is sleeping – the baby!  Nestled in the arms of a parent, comforted by human warmth, sound and breathing rhythms, babies sleep and learn about the world around them.  Unlike other primates that “cling” to their mothers, “human infants are dependent upon their mothers to ensure that proximity is maintained,” says Professor Helen Ball of the Parent-Infant Sleep Lab of Durham University in her article Bed Sharing and Co-Sleeping: Research Overview . Read the rest of this entry »

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Is it Necessary to Have a Doula?

In Yes / No on 26 May 2012 at 1:18 am

How necessary is it to have a doula in the delivery room?

mom-to-be in Maryland

You give birth, your baby comes forth into the world.  Strictly speaking, no one else is necessary.  But they can be helpful – if you need help.

I think someone who believes in you and builds your confidence is worth having close by while giving birth.  Someone who can give a good massage, suggest appropriate movement, positions, breathing, and other steps to reassure you and your family in times of doubt, pain and uncertainty can make an enormous difference during labour.  Read the rest of this entry »

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How do I make my daughter write?

In How on 9 May 2012 at 3:37 am

My baby is [age].  A week ago she started to learn to write … but she doesn’t want to write and refuses to hold the pencil.  Otherwise she loves to scribble on the wall but doesn’t want to write letters and she starts to cry.  Please help me –  how do I make her write?

– from Mothering.

Can you tape a large paper to the wall, at the height accessible to her?  Then she can scribble freely.    I have visited homes of parents who paint one wall black and keep chalk available for children and visitors – of all ages.

My guess is that she does not want to write letters designed by others because she is busy exploring the pencil and its possibilities.  Imagine that you have arrived at a beautiful mountain and are being asked to sit and study a particular rock.  Your limbs yearn to wander about the mountain.  Even if you stay and study the rock, your mind is wandering.  On the other hand, after running about to your heart’s content, if you then study the rock, you may actually be more curious and whatever you learn will stay with you as you continue exploring.

As babbling is a valuable stage of experimentation with language, so is scribbling a valuable exercise – making lines and curves and shapes appear, as if no one had ever done it before.  It will lead to writing, but it is also valuable in itself, and should not be rushed or cut short.

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Remembering Maurice Sendak

In Books, Wit on 9 May 2012 at 3:34 am

Extra! for Kids just say the darnedest things!

“How much does it cost to get to where the wild things are? If it is not expensive, my sister and I would like to spend the summer there.”

– an 8 year old child who wrote a letter to Maruce Sendak, quoted in today’s New York Times.

Amma remembers Maurice Sendak:  Maurice Sendak came to the Boston Public Library to read from We Are All in the Dumps with Jack and Guy and I had the pleasure of hearing him talk about some of his conversations with young people.  One was a terminally ill child whom he visited in the hospital. He told us that during his visit, the young boy was stroking the arm of his mother, as if to comfort her.

I can’t help thinking that his understanding presence helped to make this poignant moment possible. There are so very few writers today who respect the experiences and insights of children.